The Garlicky Bitch

I traveled to Malone, New York for a family wedding this weekend. In addition to the buffalo chicken cheese dip (perhaps that adventure alone warrants a separate blog post) and marbled wedding cake, my relatives and I enjoyed a late-night dinner at Villa Fiore, a local Italian restaurant.

The lights were dim, the waitstaff sleepy-eyed, and our party large. We poked and teased one another, preying on sensitive spots and weak character traits as only relatives can.

I ordered onion soup and fried calamari (the soup was excellent; salty and heady), and while we waited for our entrees to arrive, we sopped up olive oil with generous slices of Italian bread. The oil was spiked with huge chunks of raw garlic and other indiscernible herbs. I regret that they were indiscernible, but, as my aunt put it, “We were sucking down bottles of red wine!”

Anyway, one of my relatives furrowed a brow and admitted that they couldn’t stand garlic.

“Really? I love it,” I exclaimed, licking my finger. “I put it in everything.”

“Oh?” a second aunt chimed in. “That must be why you don’t have a boyfriend!”

A wave of chuckles and snorts washed over the table.

“Yeah,” I shrugged. “That, and I’m a bitch.”

If garlic’s really the reason I’m single, then I’m looking to a long, lonely life. And I’m more than fine with that; garlic’s the perfect companion – warm and gentle, creamy and soft when I want him to be, sharp and biting when I need a little kick of passion.

I like to rub raw garlic on toasted, buttered bread and eat it with tomato soup for a simple lunch, but when I’m feeling particularly lonely, I prefer slowly roasted garlic smeared on ciabatta and served with linguine tossed in a garlicky cream sauce. Add a crisp salad, some good red wine, a few candles, and a cool jazz cd, and I’m feeling very romantic. And because I’m single, I don’t have to worry about sneaking into the bathroom to floss and snarf down Altoids before a good-night kiss. Honestly, why bother dating when you can stay at home, watch Emeril reruns, and conserve toothpaste? You couples have got it all wrong.

I’m sure this meal’d work wonders if I ever do get around to seducing someone, but for now, I’m perfectly happy making it for myself and packing the leftovers for a lunch later in the week. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

Linguine with Garlic Cream Sauce and Roasted Garlic Bread

(This recipe makes enough to share, or, if you’re a garlicky bitch like me, enough to eat as leftovers).

  • 1 head of roasted garlic, plus one clove, diced
  • 1 loaf ciabatta bread
  • 1 pound linguine
  • 3 generous pinches salt (for pasta water)
  • 2 shallots, diced
  • 1 stick butter, plus 2 tbsp
  • 4 cups heavy cream

  1. Heat 2 tbsp. butter over medium in a saucepan. Add shallots and saute for 3 minutes. Add raw garlic and saute for 2 minutes more.
  2. Add heavy cream and all but two cloves of the roasted garlic. Stir to combine, then bring to a boil. Lower heat and simmer for 25 minutes, or until mixture has reduced by about half and is a creamy, thick consistency.
  3. Run the cream sauce through a sieve, and keep warm on stove.
  4. Add linguine to salted, boiling water and cook until al dente.
  5. Meanwhile, let stick of butter soften to room temperature. Place in food processor with remaining roasted garlic. Pulse until combined. Slice ciabatta bread in half, slather with garlic butter, and place under broiler for 2-3 minutes, or until lightly browned. Watch carefully, or you’ll end up with blackened bread.
  6. Toss pasta with sauce and serve with warm garlic bread.

*This recipe would be great with the addition of shrimp, as well as, I’d imagine, grilled chicken.


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